Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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