my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize