Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
