i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
