i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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