If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
