MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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