can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
