i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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