So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
