And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize