My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
