She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
