Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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