The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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