And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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