just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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