just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
