I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you would pick up someone in the library
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
