I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
