i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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