I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
His nipple licking is glorious
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