I'm jealous of your bromance
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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