She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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