Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize