I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
