I puked a lego.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
