So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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