my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
