Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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