I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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