dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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