she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
