After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
