My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
