Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
