I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
