I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
