Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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