9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
