I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
