i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
