I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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