I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize