I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
