It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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