I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
