The maid of honor just puked.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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