Cold hands, warm shart.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
