wrigley field is MILF paradise
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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