well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
