my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize