I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Are we still banned from the library?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
