you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
