We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
