I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
