I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
