Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
