Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
