hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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