she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
