I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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