I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
