I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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