Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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