all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also, beer. Big fan.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
