I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize