it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
