Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
