So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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